someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
