don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
