Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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