nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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