i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
