I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
