I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
