I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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