You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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