I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
50% drunk capacity currently
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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