can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
