It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
being pregnant is like rehab
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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