C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
