Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
