Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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