Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
