I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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