just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
