im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
