I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
