I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
