____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
