hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I think I just sharted jello shots
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