Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
