you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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