So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He has the fingertips of a God
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