then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
