I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize
