so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
