Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
