he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
