I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
PANTIES FOUND
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