What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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