I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
