Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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