God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize