I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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