if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
So squirting runs in the family.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
