you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize