Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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