Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
