you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
