i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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