I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
