oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
