this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
