So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
