he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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