just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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