there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
