I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize