Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
