you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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