omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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