you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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