I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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