There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
