What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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