Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize