Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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